Circling the Drain

I'm not sure why I feel like this, why I feel like I'm drowning, why I feel helpless every day...

I know everyone is tired of hearing about our house being destroyed last year, & I hate talking and thinking about it. I feel like everyday it will get easier & everyday it gets harder & harder.
There's no 'normal' anymore. Nowhere to go back to. No book to tell us what to do now.

I upset myself by thinking about the days when it was just me & Ryan in our own house with Tulip, Aki & Gemma. We both had jobs, insurance, hobbies, friends... now that all that is gone I don't know where to put my feet.

We don't have the income to be able to rent our own house again, & our credit is in no way good enough for a mortgage. We're stuck between a rock & hard place. Ryan spends half of his paycheck paying for gasoline to get TO work.

Ryan's working on getting a raise again & possibly a promotion, but his company is full of idiots so that's a challenge in and of itself.
Everyday I have the same thoughts "Is it really worth fighting through life for the next 70 years?" "Why should I be here if I'm nothing but a waste of time & space?" It's draining to constantly feel like this, but I don't know how to get out of this rut. Will I always be unhappy, miserable, & hopeless?

I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go. I don't know how our relationship can handle much more of this strain. I feel so defeated.