I'm not sure why I feel like this, why I feel like I'm drowning, why I feel helpless every day...
I know everyone is tired of hearing about our house being destroyed last year, & I hate talking and thinking about it. I feel like everyday it will get easier & everyday it gets harder & harder.
There's no 'normal' anymore. Nowhere to go back to. No book to tell us what to do now.
I upset myself by thinking about the days when it was just me & Ryan in our own house with Tulip, Aki & Gemma. We both had jobs, insurance, hobbies, friends... now that all that is gone I don't know where to put my feet.
We don't have the income to be able to rent our own house again, & our credit is in no way good enough for a mortgage. We're stuck between a rock & hard place. Ryan spends half of his paycheck paying for gasoline to get TO work.
Ryan's working on getting a raise again & possibly a promotion, but his company is full of idiots so that's a challenge in and of itself.
Everyday I have the same thoughts "Is it really worth fighting through life for the next 70 years?" "Why should I be here if I'm nothing but a waste of time & space?" It's draining to constantly feel like this, but I don't know how to get out of this rut. Will I always be unhappy, miserable, & hopeless?
I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go. I don't know how our relationship can handle much more of this strain. I feel so defeated.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Monday, March 26, 2012
Trying to grow our family...
Being 22 and married for a few years, I get the question a lot when are we going to have kids? Of course Ryan being 29 I would like to expand our family sooner, rather than later, so we still have lots of energy to spend on a little one.
When we first got married I went through a baby-crazy period & after a few months of no baby I started back on my birth control. Then I went through my phase of absolutely hating children & wanting to be a rolling stone my whole life. I went back & forth on these feelings for the last 3 years of our marriage. Around our 3 anniversary I started wondering what it would be like to have children of our own now, even though we don't have a house & I'm currently job-less. I know if we did end up pregnant now we would get a lot of flack about the fact that we're "not ready" right now.
At a certain point you can't take to heart what people say, although it doesn't make it any easier to hear it. After the last year of not being able to make certain decisions on our own & being forced back into my parents, I want to do something I WANT. I keep waiting for our life to get back to normal before we try to have kids, but the longer I wait the more I wonder when we'll be ready, or what 'normal' even is?
Starting in March 2012 I've stopped taking my anxiety medicine (a success as of right now) & have started 'trying' for a little one. I doubt it has happened this month, since I'm so irregular, but I am already so excited for the chance to have a little piece of me & Ryan in a little person!
As far as our plans for the future, I'm wanting to find a cheap house to purchase near Ryan's Whole Foods, & eventually heading out west to the wonderful state of California! It might be a good ways in our future, but it's something to work towards!
On a lighter note, I purchased our bell pepper plants today & also got stuff to transfer our broccoli & cabbage seedlings! I walked both dogs today for a little exercise & Vitamin D in the beautiful sunshine!
"How does it feel to not have a home -- a complete unknown -- like a rolling stone..." -Bob Dylan
When we first got married I went through a baby-crazy period & after a few months of no baby I started back on my birth control. Then I went through my phase of absolutely hating children & wanting to be a rolling stone my whole life. I went back & forth on these feelings for the last 3 years of our marriage. Around our 3 anniversary I started wondering what it would be like to have children of our own now, even though we don't have a house & I'm currently job-less. I know if we did end up pregnant now we would get a lot of flack about the fact that we're "not ready" right now.
At a certain point you can't take to heart what people say, although it doesn't make it any easier to hear it. After the last year of not being able to make certain decisions on our own & being forced back into my parents, I want to do something I WANT. I keep waiting for our life to get back to normal before we try to have kids, but the longer I wait the more I wonder when we'll be ready, or what 'normal' even is?
Starting in March 2012 I've stopped taking my anxiety medicine (a success as of right now) & have started 'trying' for a little one. I doubt it has happened this month, since I'm so irregular, but I am already so excited for the chance to have a little piece of me & Ryan in a little person!
As far as our plans for the future, I'm wanting to find a cheap house to purchase near Ryan's Whole Foods, & eventually heading out west to the wonderful state of California! It might be a good ways in our future, but it's something to work towards!
On a lighter note, I purchased our bell pepper plants today & also got stuff to transfer our broccoli & cabbage seedlings! I walked both dogs today for a little exercise & Vitamin D in the beautiful sunshine!
"How does it feel to not have a home -- a complete unknown -- like a rolling stone..." -Bob Dylan
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
New Beginnings
Spring brings new things, a sort of rebirth. It's a time of change. With that in mind, I have been thinking a lot about the happenings of our last 10 months and the path we will take from here.
On January 8, 2009 I married my best friend, Ryan Kinney, a guy I met through my sister and her friends.
We dated 9 months before getting engaged & quickly got hitched 3 months later. Many people thought I was pregnant since we rushed the wedding, but no one could understand how a 19-year-old could be so sure of love, especially with a 26-year-old hippie. The first year was difficult. We lived in the middle of nowhere, 30 miles from a grocery store. Ryan worked full-time with his grandfather's relay company, Sky Electronics. He supported me while I left Brenau University, started working a few days with my grandmother, and started to become pretty depressed. Our first year was a lot of misunderstanding & rough times. We loved each other so much, but it was a difficult time for me learning to become and adult & no longer a teenager. Unfortunately, Ryan took the fall for it & thankfully his love stayed strong and we made it through that testing time.
After a few months of feeling out of place in a house full of Ryan's belongings and his dog we decided to get a puppy & she changed my world!
Tulip was my first puppy I'd raised and she taught me a lot about patience, love, & friendship.
After finally starting to feel like party of the Kinney family with my little addition, my mood was getting better and the arguments were on the decline. In September of 2009 I was offered a job at a State Farm Insurance Agency selling policies. I enjoyed my new job & started feeling more meaningful to mine & Ryan's relationship. With this pay increase Ryan was able to get his dream job working at Whole Foods Market again, like he had when he lived in California. I wasn't such a health nut & GREATLY preferred my greasing southern cooking!
After getting jobs in Atlanta & Marietta we decided to move from Po-dunk Newborn, GA & found a roomy 'home' in Douglasville, GA. I loved this house as soon as we moved in and met our wonderful neighbors Wayne & Destiny. They were definitely country-hippies & were a blast to be around.
Soon I decided that insurance sales might not be my calling with the extra stress. Ryan's ex-girlfriend (and I thought she was an okay person... Hmm!) had a job opening at the largest bridal salon in the country in the Shipping & Receiving Department. I was excited & took the job at Bridals by Lori. They were also the home of TLC's show Say Yes to the Dress: Atlanta. It was cool to be a part of something like that, getting to be on TV. I met some cool people like Kristen Wigg from Saturday Night Live, and Tameka Cottle "Tiny" who married the rapper T.I. purchased her dress there. It was a great job, but soon drama started with Ryan's ex-girlfriend & MY boss. A lot of things were getting over looked & I was being blamed for a lot of things I didn't do. It was frustrating to say the least.
On May 26, 2011 (my sister's birthday) I was leaving work at about 6 PM in a BAD storm. I worked a little north of Atlanta, as well as Ryan, and our house was about 45 min. west of the city, a good hour commute. My phone kept ringing and I was assuming it was the severe weather alert calls. I waited for a tiny break in the rain, ran to my car, and started home. As soon as I was situated & on the interstate I checked my missed calls, none of the numbers I knew, then checked my voicemails. The messages we're hard to hear & the phone kept breaking up so all I could hear was, "tree... house... living room..." I couldn't make out the voices so I immediately called Ryan. He was supposed to get off work at about 3PM that day so I figured he'd be home & could tell me what was going on. After no answer & multiple calls, I called both my mom & best friend Whitney. I'm not sure how my conversations went, I was at that point driving about 90 MPH in hard rain & bumper to bumper traffic, weaving around like a mad person. I remember Whitney yelling at me to calm down. I finally called Ryan's work in complete tears and asking them when he clocked out. After a few minutes they told me he was still at work helping clean up after some of their refrigeration went out. Once he was on the phone I frantically about the messages and told him I was trying to get home.
I'm not sure how long it took me to get home, and I know a lot of drivers we're pretty mad at me, but I only cared about getting home and figuring out what was going on. As soon as I pulled up I saw about 30 people all standing in the cul-de-sac where we lived. I saw the neighbors pulling a tarp over their front porch and a pretty big chunk of a tree laying against their house. I turned to look at our house & pure terror covered my body. I was looking at the largest tree on our property laying completely down the middle of our whole house.
I barely stopped the car before pulling the e-brake & running to my front door. As soon as I unlocked the door both of our dogs, Aki & Tulip, came running out with their tails wagging like nothing had happened. I entered the house and was immersed in about a foot of soggy insulation.
The house was covered in pink and there were boards falling in from the ceiling still. I grabbed a duffel bag in our room and started throwing my laptop, medicine, & chargers in it. Tulip felt my distress and followed me around the house. I was screaming at her to get out of the house, but of course she stayed right by my side. Destiny came in with me and was trying to find Gemma, our cat we adopted about 3 months before. She ran from place to place hiding, but Destiny finally got her out from beneath the futon in the guest room.
The next few hours were a blur, trying to get what we could in the dark & finally settled in to Wayne & Destiny's guestroom. When we were finally about to lay down and think about what happened all I could do was cry. Ryan held me while I completely lost it. The feelings hit of what to do now? Where do we go? What are we going to wear tomorrow? Everything was so surreal. In a flash our lives were changed.
Any how, after that we stayed with Wayne & Destiny for about a month and a half while we dealt with insurance and tried to start over. We decided to move back to Conyers & stay with our friend Adam "Paco" for a little over 3 months. We're now living with my parents in Conyers. Soon after the tree fell on the house Bridals by Lori terminated me for some crazy reason & I was so happy to walk out of those doors. Unfortunately, they fought my unemployment, so I fought back & finally got my check. I constantly fight with State Farm about our claim & receiving the money we are owed.
In the process of starting over I've been learning to let things go, reduce my stress, eat healthier, and be more active. Me and Ryan are working towards become Pescatarians, which are vegetarians that eat fish also. I'm still unemployed & Ryan is still working at Whole Foods as the Wine & Beer Specialist. He absolutely loves his job & is looking forward to starting a future with the company.
Wheww.... with all that said, I keep looking for my new beginning. I thought it was May 26, 2011, but every month that passes I change my mind. I now feel like instead of starting a new beginning I'm grasping for a new beginning. It's difficult to be at step #1 again.
We're thinking about moving up towards Ryan's work again, but we don't make the money to rent a house again. We would love to find a cheap house to buy, but then our credit scores won't let that happen. I feel like we're in between a rock & a hard place time after time. It's hard living with my parents, not having our privacy all the time. Living with people for the last 10 months has really been hard.
With all the craziness going on I can at least say that the relationship between me and Ryan is stronger than ever. We still argue, what couple doesn't, but at the end of the day I know that he loves me more than anything & will be there for me no matter what. I am so thankful to have such a wonderful man, who loves me in good & bad.
Although I'm mainly stressed about the future, I am excited as well. It's hard to start over, and I feel it will be a little longer before we have our feet under us again, but I feel like this is made us 500x closer.
We want to start a family, I know I'm young, but I feel like we keep waiting for life to be ready & it's seeming to be more and more un-ready!
So I guess is this the beginning of our new beginning?
On January 8, 2009 I married my best friend, Ryan Kinney, a guy I met through my sister and her friends.
We dated 9 months before getting engaged & quickly got hitched 3 months later. Many people thought I was pregnant since we rushed the wedding, but no one could understand how a 19-year-old could be so sure of love, especially with a 26-year-old hippie. The first year was difficult. We lived in the middle of nowhere, 30 miles from a grocery store. Ryan worked full-time with his grandfather's relay company, Sky Electronics. He supported me while I left Brenau University, started working a few days with my grandmother, and started to become pretty depressed. Our first year was a lot of misunderstanding & rough times. We loved each other so much, but it was a difficult time for me learning to become and adult & no longer a teenager. Unfortunately, Ryan took the fall for it & thankfully his love stayed strong and we made it through that testing time.
After a few months of feeling out of place in a house full of Ryan's belongings and his dog we decided to get a puppy & she changed my world!
Tulip was my first puppy I'd raised and she taught me a lot about patience, love, & friendship.After finally starting to feel like party of the Kinney family with my little addition, my mood was getting better and the arguments were on the decline. In September of 2009 I was offered a job at a State Farm Insurance Agency selling policies. I enjoyed my new job & started feeling more meaningful to mine & Ryan's relationship. With this pay increase Ryan was able to get his dream job working at Whole Foods Market again, like he had when he lived in California. I wasn't such a health nut & GREATLY preferred my greasing southern cooking!
After getting jobs in Atlanta & Marietta we decided to move from Po-dunk Newborn, GA & found a roomy 'home' in Douglasville, GA. I loved this house as soon as we moved in and met our wonderful neighbors Wayne & Destiny. They were definitely country-hippies & were a blast to be around.
Soon I decided that insurance sales might not be my calling with the extra stress. Ryan's ex-girlfriend (and I thought she was an okay person... Hmm!) had a job opening at the largest bridal salon in the country in the Shipping & Receiving Department. I was excited & took the job at Bridals by Lori. They were also the home of TLC's show Say Yes to the Dress: Atlanta. It was cool to be a part of something like that, getting to be on TV. I met some cool people like Kristen Wigg from Saturday Night Live, and Tameka Cottle "Tiny" who married the rapper T.I. purchased her dress there. It was a great job, but soon drama started with Ryan's ex-girlfriend & MY boss. A lot of things were getting over looked & I was being blamed for a lot of things I didn't do. It was frustrating to say the least.
On May 26, 2011 (my sister's birthday) I was leaving work at about 6 PM in a BAD storm. I worked a little north of Atlanta, as well as Ryan, and our house was about 45 min. west of the city, a good hour commute. My phone kept ringing and I was assuming it was the severe weather alert calls. I waited for a tiny break in the rain, ran to my car, and started home. As soon as I was situated & on the interstate I checked my missed calls, none of the numbers I knew, then checked my voicemails. The messages we're hard to hear & the phone kept breaking up so all I could hear was, "tree... house... living room..." I couldn't make out the voices so I immediately called Ryan. He was supposed to get off work at about 3PM that day so I figured he'd be home & could tell me what was going on. After no answer & multiple calls, I called both my mom & best friend Whitney. I'm not sure how my conversations went, I was at that point driving about 90 MPH in hard rain & bumper to bumper traffic, weaving around like a mad person. I remember Whitney yelling at me to calm down. I finally called Ryan's work in complete tears and asking them when he clocked out. After a few minutes they told me he was still at work helping clean up after some of their refrigeration went out. Once he was on the phone I frantically about the messages and told him I was trying to get home.
I'm not sure how long it took me to get home, and I know a lot of drivers we're pretty mad at me, but I only cared about getting home and figuring out what was going on. As soon as I pulled up I saw about 30 people all standing in the cul-de-sac where we lived. I saw the neighbors pulling a tarp over their front porch and a pretty big chunk of a tree laying against their house. I turned to look at our house & pure terror covered my body. I was looking at the largest tree on our property laying completely down the middle of our whole house.
I barely stopped the car before pulling the e-brake & running to my front door. As soon as I unlocked the door both of our dogs, Aki & Tulip, came running out with their tails wagging like nothing had happened. I entered the house and was immersed in about a foot of soggy insulation.
The house was covered in pink and there were boards falling in from the ceiling still. I grabbed a duffel bag in our room and started throwing my laptop, medicine, & chargers in it. Tulip felt my distress and followed me around the house. I was screaming at her to get out of the house, but of course she stayed right by my side. Destiny came in with me and was trying to find Gemma, our cat we adopted about 3 months before. She ran from place to place hiding, but Destiny finally got her out from beneath the futon in the guest room.The next few hours were a blur, trying to get what we could in the dark & finally settled in to Wayne & Destiny's guestroom. When we were finally about to lay down and think about what happened all I could do was cry. Ryan held me while I completely lost it. The feelings hit of what to do now? Where do we go? What are we going to wear tomorrow? Everything was so surreal. In a flash our lives were changed.
Any how, after that we stayed with Wayne & Destiny for about a month and a half while we dealt with insurance and tried to start over. We decided to move back to Conyers & stay with our friend Adam "Paco" for a little over 3 months. We're now living with my parents in Conyers. Soon after the tree fell on the house Bridals by Lori terminated me for some crazy reason & I was so happy to walk out of those doors. Unfortunately, they fought my unemployment, so I fought back & finally got my check. I constantly fight with State Farm about our claim & receiving the money we are owed.In the process of starting over I've been learning to let things go, reduce my stress, eat healthier, and be more active. Me and Ryan are working towards become Pescatarians, which are vegetarians that eat fish also. I'm still unemployed & Ryan is still working at Whole Foods as the Wine & Beer Specialist. He absolutely loves his job & is looking forward to starting a future with the company.
Wheww.... with all that said, I keep looking for my new beginning. I thought it was May 26, 2011, but every month that passes I change my mind. I now feel like instead of starting a new beginning I'm grasping for a new beginning. It's difficult to be at step #1 again.
We're thinking about moving up towards Ryan's work again, but we don't make the money to rent a house again. We would love to find a cheap house to buy, but then our credit scores won't let that happen. I feel like we're in between a rock & a hard place time after time. It's hard living with my parents, not having our privacy all the time. Living with people for the last 10 months has really been hard.
With all the craziness going on I can at least say that the relationship between me and Ryan is stronger than ever. We still argue, what couple doesn't, but at the end of the day I know that he loves me more than anything & will be there for me no matter what. I am so thankful to have such a wonderful man, who loves me in good & bad.
Although I'm mainly stressed about the future, I am excited as well. It's hard to start over, and I feel it will be a little longer before we have our feet under us again, but I feel like this is made us 500x closer.
We want to start a family, I know I'm young, but I feel like we keep waiting for life to be ready & it's seeming to be more and more un-ready!
So I guess is this the beginning of our new beginning?
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